I guess this is the place I turn into when things didn’t go right, or I’m feeling at my worst now. People who hate me probably love reading this kind of post, possibly laughing at my decision. I don’t even know how to begin everything. Let’s start with when I decided to leave UK and come to France. I gave myself so many reasons to come to France because I’m too chicken to face what other people are facing. After graduating from university, I felt very empty and lost. I don’t know where can I go after that. Moving to London cost a lot in terms of moving, finding a place to stay, eating and public transport. I don’t want to stay at home waiting for e-mails and my money flushing away. I don’t see any hopes in London because I don’t think I’m good enough to work there. What for when the locals are better. Maybe there’s better hope in Manchester, but same thing. I don’t know where to stay; I don’t know how to get things going. I heard stories on how other graduates not getting a job or end up doing something different. Suddenly I just gave things up and I choose to come to France and stay with Luc. Everyday I felt empty inside as in I didn’t do what I want to do. I felt miserable but I’m trying to stay happy because Luc is always supporting me. As days go by I starting to forgot what I want to do. Waking up everyday has become a mission. I can’t get job in France because I don’t have a working visa. I tried volunteering but there’s no reply. I tried and tried until I got so tired. What’s worst will be language barrier. I don’t understand what are they talking at all. They speak like Usain Bolt. One Sunday I went to the market near the apartment. I’ve written down the list of stuff I want to buy but the moment I was there, I felt so lost. I don’t know which vegetable stalls to go and everything just happen with their speed. I felt like a turtle and I stood there for a while. I don’t know how to buy vegetables from the market. At some point Luc lost his patience and asked me to just buy it. I feel like he doesn’t understand what I’m going through. Ever since coming here, nothing is a piece of cake for me. Yesterday I had a major breakdown because I felt so isolated while having dinner with his friends. I’ve been a lot of dinner with his friend and I always feel fine, nothing in particular until yesterday night. All of them are speaking French and I felt like I don’t exist. More like someone crashing the dinner for the sake of free meal. I mean, they do tried talk to me but as they keep talking I feel I don’t belong there at all, and I was really tired. I want to go back where I feel I belong, UK and Malaysia. For the first time, I felt homesick and I want to go back my warm comfortable nest. One of my French friends was dearly nice to me. She told me once she was in Germany, everyone starts speaking in Germans and she doesn’t understand. She doesn’t like the feeling, which is why she’s tried to speak English with me as much as possible because she knows how it felt to be neglected when everyone is communicating. I really appreciate her effort trying to speak to me. I wouldn’t say language is my least favourite thing in the world. But it is something I learn very slowly. Many people around me told me it’s easy and inserts the history of how the people them they pick up the language so fast. I just feel like I’m not like all these fast learning people. Getting around here is not easy for me too since I’m not used to it. The other day I was lost walking around and I couldn’t find the metro. I felt so useless and I asked myself what am I doing here. Then everyday I ask myself the same question. What am I doing here? Am I happy here? It’s because I choose to come to France and not to face or at least tried to get a job or placement in UK. Last year Nicky introduced me an author name call Paulo Coelho. I started reading his book and I came across “the alchemist” because it’s one of his famous novels.
The story is about a boy who wants to look for treasure. Along his journey he met the girl of his life and he wants to stop looking for the treasure that he’s been wanting since the beginning. The alchemist told him what would happen to the boy. He’s going to marry the girl and be happy staying at the desert. But when time pass, he will remember about the treasure and think why didn’t he find the treasure.
I’ll leave the rest of the story for you to read. It hit my mind a lot. I feel like I’m making Luc as an excuse for giving up what I dream of. Another bad decision that I can’t stop thinking about. From what I’m dealing now, it’s killing my motivation every morning. I wished to have things to do when I get up instead of it being a mission to live another day feeling restless. I persuade myself to sleep and tomorrow is going to be better day. But it’s just going be any other day. Since feeling isolated, neglected and sad while having dinner yesterday with Luc’s friends, I don’t know what to feel anymore and I told him I’m sleeping in the living room. I gave an excuse that I’ll switch on the fan and the fans usually interrupt his sleep. In the end I spit out and told him I don’t feel belong here, in France. It leaves him speechless. He just moves the pillows and blanket from the room to the living and sleeps with me. I can’t stop tearing until I fall asleep. This morning I woke up feeling shitty, not being loved by Luc as much as he used to. I cried again. Now all I want and mourn about it and then stood back up again.